You’ve read the books. You’ve highlighted the quotes about boundaries. You know that saying no is necessary.
And yet…
When the moment comes — to turn down a meeting, to say you’re unavailable, to not offer your energy — your whole body freezes.
Your mouth smiles while your chest tightens. You hear yourself saying yes — even as something inside whispers, I can’t do this anymore.
This isn’t a logic issue.
It’s not because you’re weak or bad at boundaries.
It’s because your body has been trained to believe that safety comes from compliance.
Let’s gently unpack that. Then I’ll walk you through why this happens, what it costs, and how to start saying no in a way your nervous system can actually handle.
It’s not just fear — it’s survival wiring
If you grew up in a home, culture, or system where love was conditional, or peace came only when you pleased others, your brain learned something very clear:
No = danger
Yes = safety, approval, connection, control
This is classic fawning — a trauma response where you appease to stay safe. And it’s often praised as being “kind,” “helpful,” “loyal,” or “strong.”
But underneath the praise?
Emotional exhaustion. Resentment. Disconnection.
As psychologist Dr. Gabor Maté writes,
“When we are afraid to disappoint others, we end up constantly disappointing ourselves.”
In The Unspoken Burnout of High-Functioning Women, we see how women in particular carry this pattern — outwardly competent, inwardly collapsing.
So let’s be clear:
If saying no is hard for you, it’s not because you lack boundaries — it’s because you lacked safety while forming them.
What it feels like when you say yes, but mean no
You might know this feeling too well:
- You say yes, then dread the commitment.
- You cancel later and feel even more guilt.
- You ruminate for hours, trying to explain or justify.
- You feel small, like your needs were too much, again.
This cycle is not fixed by a script.
It’s healed by rebuilding trust with yourself — and your body.
Because until your system believes that it’s safe to say no… it will keep choosing yes to survive.
So how do we begin healing this?
Here’s the shift: saying no is not a communication skill — it’s a regulation practice.
Let’s walk through what that looks like.
1. Name the real fear underneath the “yes”
Next time you feel the reflex to agree, pause and ask:
“If I said no right now, what do I think would happen?”
Common answers:
- “They’ll think I’m selfish”
- “They won’t ask me again”
- “I’ll be left out”
- “I’ll lose connection”
- “I won’t be useful anymore”
These are not surface thoughts. These are core fears shaped by your history. And naming them loosens their grip.
If you journal, try this:
“When I say yes to avoid discomfort, I often feel…”
“The version of me that says yes out of fear is trying to protect me from…”
Start getting to know your internal protector, not fighting it.
2. Practice saying no with your body, not your voice
Yes, you read that right.
Sometimes it’s too hard to say no with words.
So you begin with somatic “no” — physical cues of resistance.
Try this:
- Clench your fists, then release
- Push your hands forward, gently
- Shake your head, even silently
- Exhale strongly through your mouth
These small signals teach your body that you can hold your boundary — even if you’re not ready to speak it yet.
In 5 Minute Nervous System Reset You Can Do Anywhere, we explore how nervous system micro-practices help shift your default from collapse to calm.
3. Set boundaries that protect energy, not image
We often overcommit not because we want to — but because we’re afraid of how we’ll be seen.
Try flipping the question:
Instead of “Will they be upset if I say no?”
Ask: “What part of me will be protected if I say no?”
Now the focus is your energy, your space, your truth — not their reaction.
In When Your To-Do List Reflects Your Fears, Not Your Values, I explain how even simple daily tasks can become tools of people-pleasing if we don’t ground them in our real values.
Boundaries are not fences to keep people out. They’re frameworks to keep your self-respect in.
4. Use soft, truthful language (without apology)
You don’t need a perfect script. You just need language that’s:
- Honest
- Neutral
- Anchored in your truth
- And not performative
Examples:
- “Thanks for thinking of me — I won’t be able to.”
- “That doesn’t work for me right now.”
- “I’m saying no to protect space for something important to me.”
- “I’m not available, but I appreciate the ask.”
Notice: No justifications. No “sorry.” No overexplaining.
You’re not rejecting them. You’re choosing you.
5. Allow the guilt — but don’t obey it
Guilt is a sign you’re doing something new — not that you’re doing something wrong.
Dr. Thema Bryant says:
“You are not being mean when you are being clear.”
So when the guilt rises (and it will), try this:
- Place your hand over your heart
- Say: “I feel guilty because I’m not used to choosing myself. That’s okay.”
- Breathe. Stay. Let the discomfort stretch your safety window.
Eventually, guilt will be replaced by something softer: self-trust.
Saying no is a love language
Not a selfish act. Not a rejection. A declaration of dignity.
When you say no:
- You teach your body that it matters
- You protect your future self from resentment
- You make space for things you actually have energy for
- You model emotional honesty in a world of pleasing
That starts with one sacred, shaking, whispered “no.”
That’s enough.
Sources
- Gabor Maté. The Myth of Normal, 2022
- Nedra Glover Tawwab. Set Boundaries, Find Peace, 2021
- Peter Levine. Waking the Tiger, 1997
- Dr. Thema Bryant. Homecoming, 2022
- Psychology Today: “The Fawn Response Explained”, 2023
- Harvard Health: “Why Saying No Can Be Harder Than It Seems”, 2021
